April FAILS

I really love holidays. Sarcasm aside, I genuinely feel that they bring people together in a way that, say, August 14th or something fails to do. People are cheerful when they're buying presents, or drinking a lot, or wearing silly sweaters, or pinching each other. Having something in common makes us more conspiratorial, and that makes life feel more like a movie. And I'm autistic, so I can only identify with feelings that I've closely studied in Cameron Diaz movies. Anyway. The one holiday I can't stand is April Fools. I'll even take the one where I can't eat all day - is it Rosh Hashanah? I forget. I'm a bad jew. - over this garbage.

Look, I'm the most gullible person on the planet. I think it comes from all my psychological disorders. No matter how strongly I comprehend, logically, that something isn't true, a tiny part of my brain goes Wait, wait, what if you're wrong this time! What if they really DID take gullible out of the dictionary? What if there really IS a spider on your face? Better check. Once, my high school boyfriend pinched me because I wasn't wearing green. I was PISSED, not because it hurt so much, but because I love St Patrick's Day and I never fail to wear at least green underwear or sparkly eye shadow or something (Note: I'm 8 years old). It took me hours to realize it was October.

So I've always hated April Fools. I always get mad at people, because they always trick me even when I specifically ask them not to. Duh. This morning I was furious when I found out Merlin Mann wasn't really following me - wtf Twitter? That shit's not nice. But the worst 4/1 I ever had was my junior year of college. It's mostly a long, complicated, dramatic, irrelevant story, but the short version is that I drove down to Beverly Hills to visit a boy over my spring break. It was a long drive, I'd never been there before, I was staying at his house with his whole family, I had just met him 2 weeks previously, oh and I had a boyfriend back in Santa Cruz - I felt really vulnerable. We were having a great time, until he had to take me to the emergency room at 2 am. Sorry, I digress.

I woke up the morning after the ER, feeling exhausted and sick and sorry that he'd had to deal with my drama (although he was very nice about it, and loved me, so I figured he didn't mind). He was already awake, sitting at his desk and glaring at me. I figured he'd gotten in a fight with his parents or something, so I went to take a shower, figuring I'd give him some space. I opened the door to go back into his bedroom and he was suddenly in my face, furious. He yelled at me about how my stuff was all over his room, how rude it was to take over his space like that, how annoying it was that I had to go to the emergency room, and he said that he wanted me to leave right away. I was supposed to be there for 2 more days. Oh, and I didn't have anywhere else to go. My family had recently moved out of state, my boyfriend wouldn't let me stay at his house, and my college had a policy about not letting people stay on campus during vacations.

My eyes filling up with tears, too shocked, sad, and disgusted with myself to say anything, I started to pack my bags. He watched me, waiting until I finished to speak again. As I hoisted my bags and lifted my head to walk out of the room, I noticed him looking at me with a nervous smile. "What the hell are you smiling at," I snarled, tears still dripping down my cheeks.

He shrugged and spread his hands out, sheepishly.

"April Fools?"

I collapsed, sobbing, and couldn't be consoled for hours. We never quite worked out.

signs a girl likes a boy

So there's this boy I like, and because I also respect him (novel concept, right?), I'm handling the situation in a patient, mature manner. This, my friends, is not how I ever handle boys. So with this new adult approach to pursuing a potential relationship, I've noticed I've been displaying new signs that I am interested.

In the past, my methods of signifying I like a boy often include 1) blurting it out in the most socially awkward scenario, 2) making out with him out of the blue, 3) telling him he is going to like me, and the piece de resistance 4) oversharing and spilling my guts about every ex, bad life decision and any flaws I have. It's actually shocking I could even get a guy this way, I'll admit that.

But in this new situation, the signs are so different. And it's not like I have to try not to make all those fatal awkward mistakes of yore. It's just...different and easy. Wanna know how I know I like him and how it's becoming apparent to my near and dear?

1. I don't talk about him incessantly. In fact, most of my friends don't even know who it is I like. I'm keeping this romantic development close instead of announcing it to the gossip mills.
2. I cleaned my apartment before he came over. Seriously. I dusted, did dishes and (gulp) vacuumed. (Note: I have vacuumed maybe a total of 6 times in the past two years. True story.)
3. I'm not rushing it. I leap before I look, and many times, I don't even look at all. But in the hope of not screwing this up, I am finally taking it slow and not immediately assigning labels.
4. I get butterflies. I know this is the corniest, gayest, girliest, most cliche sign, but it's honestly one I haven't experienced in quite, quite a while. And it feels good. So suck it.

There it is. Dudes out there, take note, as you may be causing this effect on a chick but had no idea. Look for these signs. It means she's totally into you. And girls? If you're experiencing any of these symptoms, run with it. Apparently, this is how adult relationships happen. (Or call your doctor; you may be experiencing a minor stroke.)

Loves,

Kt

Dealmakers & Dealbreakers

Maris over at one of my favorite blogs recently listed her dating dealbreakers and asked for responses, but strangely didn't mention any dealMAKERS, which I think are far more interesting. Maybe dealmakers are all the same, and she did mention some stereotypically ideal qualities in guys, but to me the qualities that make or break the connection with a prospective boyfriend are the little tiny weird things that no one else notices.

Like......... Here's the things I love about the boys I've loved.

• They're geniuses. They tend to be on the crazy side, but I think that's just what goes along with extreme intelligence. So I'm not asking for crazy, per se, but I tend to find myself attracted to it.
• They look cute in anything. As a rule, I don't date good dressers. I can't stand fashion, I feel hottest in jeans and a hoodie (that's the California girl in me, I guess). So it follows that I'm uncomfortable around guys in dress shoes, or in jeans that cost more than my iPhone. I'd rather be with a guy who can pull off a K-Fed outfit (ahem) than with someone who insists on dressing up to go to the movies.
• They're kissable. Dude, if you kiss me the first time and I don't enjoy it, it won't be happening again. Not only are the guys I date fantastic kissers, but looking at them makes me want to kiss them more. That's important, I think. If I can watch someone talk without interrupting them for makeouts, I'm probably not sufficiently into them.
• They have MY sense of humor. Yeah, everyone wants someone funny, but I want someone who enjoys contemplating alternative realities. Someone who laughs more at silly puns and your-mom jokes than at the latest Will Ferrell movie quotes. Also, I really like guys who think I'm more attractive making a dumb face than I am smiling demurely (and vice versa).

That said... here's what I can't stand, and this was much harder for me to come up with for some reason.

• Conservative beliefs. I'm sorry, I gave it a fair chance, and I just will not be dating any more republicans or religious folk. I'm not some crazy liberal jew, but I kind of am a crazy liberal jew.
• A lack of interest in non-traditional conversation topics. That was a lot of negatives, but what I mean is I can't get along with anyone who just wants to talk about sports, or the new Coldplay album (get over it, Chris Martin sure did), or what they did that day. Those are all fine (uh, except sports), but if you're done talking when we've blown through those topics, I'm over it. I like having conversations about time travel, serial killers, strange diseases, baby names, fucked up books, bad movies, historical trivia, zombies, and whatever ridiculous/stupid questions strike my fancy. Aright?
• The insistence that the past is the past. I hate people who won't talk about previous relationships, or their childhood. I understand it's over - I don't need you to keep reminding me what year it is - but all that stuff made you who you are now. Plus I want to know all the ways I'm better than your last girlfriend. The other side of this issue is I can't hang out with people who have no interest in where I came from. You don't want to see how cute I was when I was little? Are you kidding me???
• Animal haters. You don't like my dog jumping on you and smothering you in dog hair? Get out.