Tell us how you feel about: Unicorns

In a bold move for our collective blog, I'm throwing a new thread out there for everyone's (hopefully) enjoyment and to expand our growing "trust circle". I mean, Maya shared her quasi-rational death fears and Greg has shared his anger with, well, pretty much everything. So without much more fanfare, I present Tell Us How You Feel About.

It's self-explanatory. We give the topic and our individual stance and you just read and follow suit. And to kick it off, what better topic is there than those mythical beasts of wonder and fascination: unicorns.

How do I feel about unicorns? I hate them. It's not about whether or not they exist or have ever existed. I couldn't care less. I just think they're stupid. Let me break it down for you.

1. Wow, a horse with a horn. Oooooh, big deal. Not impressed.
2. They remind me of Lisa Frank erasers and folders, which reminds me of the girls who owned said Lisa Frank paraphenalia in grade school, which reminds me of mean cliquey girls who thought they were super cool but ended up living in the suburbs with their high school "sweetheart", snotty Gap kids babies and "luxury" SUVs. No thanks.
3. I doubt unicorns would be friendly. In fact, I bet they'd be ill-tempered and quick to use their "magical" horn to impale you into a fencepost at the slightest insult.
4. In a fight with a lion, a unicorn would always lose. Hands down. I can't respect that.
5. After centuries of unadultered adoration, unicorns probably have gigantic, undeserved egos. They most likely think their unicorn droppings smell like rainbows and glitter. News flash: unicorns are a kind of horse. they don't smell nice at all.

Your turn. How do you feel about unicorns?

Anthropomorphism

I wrote a new blog for you to read.


Actually, no I didn't. April Fools motherfuckers!

I got you good, didn't I? You had no idea it was coming. One minute you were filled with joy, and in less than a second, I took it all away.

I imagine you are depressed now, and I can understand that. You came here expecting something, and got something totally different. Maybe I intrigued you by titling my post "Anthropomorphism", maybe not. I wouldn't think about it too much if I were you, it was just one of the words that randomly popped into my head. I thought it was neat, so I'm sharing it will all your asses. Here's another one, for old times sakes:

Transubstantiation. That's when Catholics eat Jesus (definitely in a non-sexual way...maybe). Mmmm, Jesus meat. Well, its still bread and wine... but when you put it in your mouth, MAGIC.

Anyways... when the hell did April 1st decide to be the biggest dick out of all the days of the year? I mean, I like April. It's warm outside, plants and shit are starting to grow, and everything wants to have sex. But amidst it all you've got April Fools Day, standing there like that chronic masturbator guy that lives on your floor of the apartment building and constantly locks himself in the laundry room.... What I'm trying to say is, you know he's there, but you sure as hell don't talk about him or agree to come over for dinner (and it might be prudent to wash clothes at the laundry mat).

Honestly, April Fools Day really cramping my routine. Is posting a link to what I thought was spoilers about who the new Batman would be but in reality was a link to lemon party considered funny? This shit is serious! Don't toy with me (or get me fired for pulling up a picture of old men playing with each others shriveled wieners).

So, to set this day straight, wanna know what I think is funny and would make for good April Fools Day pranks?

Call up a cancer patient and telling them that their tests came back negative.... APRIL FOOLS!

Send loads of boxes to Darfur labeled food and fresh water, but when those wonderful hopeful people open them up, the boxes are full of nothing but sand! APRIL FOOLS!

Tell your boyfriend that the test came back negative and that you really AREN'T pregnant. Then, nine months later... APRIL FOOLS! (Note: it may take a pro to pull this one off).

Stand on the deck of a aircraft carrier and declaring that the war in Iraq was a success.... APRIL FOOLS AMERICA! (Note: this one gets progressively funnier every year).

These are just a few, I swear I have literally tens more that I could share. But I don't want to ruin the element of surprise.

(Side note: I need to buy a van.)

(Side, side note: Any of your chemistry folks know how to make chloroform?)